Need no wings to fly always..
Need no eyes to see always..
Need no lips to murmur always..
What I need is to pick up a dream..
A dream that sets me on a flight..
A dream that shows me my world..
A dream that speaks my heart..
The more I chase her, the more she runs away, the more she eludes me..
One day I will, I certainly will, stand on the other side of the line,
Smile at her, rid her of all the curls, trace back to my first day of seeing her in my lil' twinkling eyes back on a winter night..
Hold her tight coz this night is different,
Way different to that first night where she was realised,
But not inside, not beside..
Tonight I have you, I sight you in me,
I feel like nursing you, I feel like playing with you,
I won't let you fly away, I have finally made you mine..
Coz' I am just not another dreamer, I am a lover..
I shall love you all night tonight,
Before I set my eyes to dream again,
Before I make a dream out of this dream!
Its awesome.The comparison makes it all the more interesting to read and gives it a romantic touch...almost as if falling in love with the dream.And finally accomplishing it.
ReplyDeleteawesome ! very romantic... keep writing !
ReplyDeleteloved it !!!
ReplyDeleteShirshendu Roy! You never cease to amaze me! This is a masterpiece, sir. Waiting with bated breath for the next...
ReplyDeleteI haven't read any of your poems before. If I make the probable assumption, that this is your first, then I daresay that this is a promising atttempt.
ReplyDeleteSo here goes..
I'll be dissecting the poem from a critic's point of view and then see the aesthetics.
In poetry some freedom is obviously entitled to the post when it comes to grammar, and you used the freedom well. 'Need no...' implicitly says that its you, and it sounds perfect.
However,
"Way different TO that" is a plain grammatical glitch. It should be '.. different FROM..'
Such things may seem trivial, to even seasoned readers but of I do believe that you strive to be a perfectionist.
I feel you changed the time very abruptly. You talked about your wish to have the dream fulfilled and in the next moment, the reader sees that "tonight" you had the dream. If there had been a line of indicating the precise transition here, a layman would not need to ruminate about what just happened.
Now the aesthetics..
The emotions are shown well. But where you need to work is imagery. Its the greatest weapon that you can employ in such poems. Try painting images more often.
The continual use of repeated lines ( the last line is part-verbose, but I like to say it that way) is good, and has the effect intended.
Finally (phew!), a decent effort. Keep writing! The apex isn't very away!
one day u will, u certainly will .... even dream will feel so magically nice after seeing your feelings that she'll stop tantalizing.
ReplyDeletekwell..itzzz outstading performance by shrish (in ur sporty laguage as u do in cricbuzz [;)])..... i would say gud enuf 2 c ma bro changing mood frm the world of cricket to world of love !!! ...... i would say a last thing abut luv and tahtz "ℓυν ιѕ ℓιкє α ρυzzℓє.ωнєη υ'яє ιη ℓυν,αℓℓ тнє ριє¢єѕ ƒιт вυт ωнєη υ нєαят gєтѕ вяσкєη,ιт тαкєѕ α ωнιℓє тσ gєт єνєяyтнιηg вαк тσgєтнєя"... njoy.... best of luck !!
ReplyDeleteAmazed i'm... frankly i never felt you are so romantic.... good work
ReplyDeleteSHRISHENDUSWORTH OR SHIRSHENDUSPEARE....has managed to nicely pen down his dreams...into a soothing reality of words..A person who believes in living his dream has aptly described his dreams with his dream girl in picture....Who said cricket fanatics cant be romantists at heart....he not only has proved dat predicament wrong but has also shown another facet of his personality....kudos to u and may ur picture perfect description come true one day....keep writing such sensuous poems ,it might atleast provide some inspiration to people who aspire the DREAM OF FALLING IN LUV....
ReplyDeletei was expecting a little more intent..as if it were written exclusively n being read 2 someone special..u hv set such high standards dat anything less is unacceptable !!
ReplyDeleteAh!! that was so beautiful!!!
ReplyDeleteloved it thoroughly!!!
Firstly, a BIG thanks to all who liked it and those who didn't like it, get a life guys ;) All offenses meant :D
ReplyDeleteI'll try and come up with a new post every week, hope you will watch out for this space..
And before I sign off, guys, is it that important to keep someone in mind and write? ;) A few mails want to know to whom is this lil' piece dedicated to! :)
i wonder woh is your muse???whoever it is...i just loved your piece its grt..rock on..expecting some more great pieces like this in future...
ReplyDeleteit was good shirsh..I rather did not expect something like this...Its more like a romance a person has with his dreams...last line did not leave a strong note.it was good but not strong..i hope u accept it gracefully but yet a great start...keep me buzzing wid ur posts.
ReplyDeletevery creative......d personification is awesom...just loved it....keep writing
ReplyDeleteI wasnt a really huge fan of "Beauty lies in simplicity"..But that was only until now...
ReplyDeletePraiseworthy poetry...keep writing..!!
Someone who is a commentator does indeed know how to express. So the wonderful expression doesn't surprise me at all. Neither am I too cock-a-hoop about it. The commendable part is the analogy, the metaphorical way of treating a dream like the girl of your dreams is praiseworthy indeed. And the other aspect which deserves accolades is the ability to express in more than one forms. Keep up the good work...
ReplyDeleteLove,
Nishant.
so..commentator turned poet huh!! i am pleasantly surprised by ur poetry!! good job|! keep it up!! cant figure out whether u have personified a dream as a girl or simply written about ur dream girl!! he he!! watever it is..its awesome!
ReplyDeleteI’m impressed by the way you write and by the way you play with “DREAMS”.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing. Cheers
Abdullah
this an incredible piece of perfect feelings of love...keep it up..quite imprssive..the gurl is quite lucky..:)
ReplyDeletethis is an incredible flow of perfect love n emotions....nice work..keep writing..its quite motivating:)
ReplyDeleteTO
ReplyDeletehis dream,
need no words to comment...
or critics to win appreciation..
he is crazy n lazy
but above all sensible and subtle..
young dreams christened with copius emotion n garlanded with passion...
dats shirshendu for u..
a dreamer...
Shirshendu Roy! What to say abt this guy, that has not been said before. A romantic, a die hard lover, a loyalist in all senses, a fine commentator and now an aspiring poet. He has done it all and wants some more. A good start to ur new career, good use of words, carefully chosen and written from the heart. Shirsh, u have shown us another side of u which is not known - a soft mellow, callow youth - deep in love and enjoying it too. You rock man, hoping for more such poetry from u.
ReplyDeletePS: Shirsh, pls dont become a poet and neglect ur commentary career. Hope u get the drift...
With love
Torchi...
On reading this one, I remembered "I dreamed a dream" song by Susan Boyle. I am sure you have heard of her, if not google ;)
ReplyDeleteYour poem is a simple one set in lightest of moods, but it provokes some deep thoughts. Well written :)
WHOA...
ReplyDeleteIs it the shirishendu i kno...
I am deeply surprised.
But at the same time Super-Fantastic work. Keep it up..!!! I will wait until next week.
its nice, liked it very much.. keep ur good work n may all ur dream comes true. Wish u all d very best!
ReplyDeleteoh now gud 2 c d commentator-turned-blogger(or should i say poet?) gr8 work!!!! especially d metaphor got me!waitin 4 more posts...keep posting!
ReplyDeleteits very nice...
ReplyDeletewell written and articulate...to have something like this frm a person of teh cricketing world is commendable..keep it up.
excellent and a perfect definition to dreams given in d form of words....a very passionate feel of dreams yaar..m proud of u my best buddy..dint know abt dis virtue in u..
ReplyDeleteand as i had already told u..i loved line "i m nt another dreamer,i am ur lover"..keep writing such masterpieces...
3 cheers to u..!!! good luck
hey did yuo write that all on ur own.... thats awsome..... banglay...phata-phati....
ReplyDeletei never knew u wrote so well....
AMMAZING... I'VE just no words to describe its beauty....!!!!!!!!!!
keep writting.....
Hmm.. Commentator turned Poet.. What next Shirish.. an Autobiography??
ReplyDeletewahh sapno ke saudagar....too romantic.....dude.........:)
ReplyDeletelooks like someone's struck by cupid
ReplyDeletebut must say dude really romantic poem
reminds me of the twiligt series
really romantic and appeals young adult people i mean guys of our age
way to go shirshendu:D
Very nice...........great work for an attempt...keep going.
ReplyDeleteman..u r writing kickass stuff man!!
ReplyDeletewhere were you man??
warming eggs in siberia??
really shirshendu ....this has showed me a different side of urs...hoping 2 see many such good works fro u in future,.....grt job.good luck fr the future.....
ReplyDeletewell a vryy nice attempt...got 2 c a new side of dis commentator....i hope so dat ur desires r all fulfiled....bcoz u dnt wanna b cald a "dreamer".....as u simply believe in turnin ur dreamz-cum-desires in2 reality...
ReplyDeleteI dont understand this poem and I cant write a testimonial like Torchi but since you are so desperate for a comment, I will say "Ati uttam"
ReplyDeleteTruly enthralling i wud say......it's short,sweet n simple.This is 4 every1 out dere who is scared of dreamin.......dreamin big.I'm sure sirsh has made quite a decent effort 2 make u all dream n dream n dream more......
ReplyDeleteelution of the truest emotions...confessions of a sincere heart...description of a lovely dream...aspirations 4 the dream 2 come true...all of these hav been blended in this post.....
ReplyDeletereal good job,Roy!!!u r seemingly becoming a pragmatic LOVER!!!:-P
Personal yet objective, romantic yet calculated, touchy and careful choice of words. I am delighted that one of my friend is diving into the world of poetry. Wordsworth defined poetry as "the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings; and he went on to say "Dust as we are, the immortal spirit grows
ReplyDeleteLike harmony in music; there is a dark
Inscrutable workmanship that reconciles
Discordant elements, makes them cling together
In one society."
now i feel this might fit into your scheme of big things.
Amazing!! I had heard a lot about you, it's been a pleasure to read :)
ReplyDelete